As strong as I am trying to be given the circumstances, it is getting incredibly difficult to stay the course of positivity. So far, everything that has occurred in NC has been okay. I met with the entire surgical staff and radiation oncologists, and a surgery date for my double mastectomy is set. I am extremely happy that all of those things in North Carolina worked out (I was sure it would), but everything in Vegas has turned out wrong in every area. I don't expect any real special treatment because I have cancer (other than my handicap placard), but one thing I do expect is respect and a since of dignity when someone speaks to me. It seems like every place turn, I have been treated like absolute garbage. I am not saying all people are bad, but I have been met with straight up nastiness the last month I have been here. Take for example, I am at Walmart - I have my cart and reusable bag trying to get to my car. I am in the pedestrian walkway so I have the right of way. Of course I still look both ways, and I see a car driving EXTREMELY fast in a parking lot. Of course I stop as I do not want to get hit by this crazy man. I wave my hand to signal to him to go. You know what he does? He honks his horn at me and says something along the lines of "hurry up and go you nigger." or something to that effect. The words I heard clear as day was hurry up and you nigger. I mean, seriously? This doesn't hurt my feeling per-say as I do not know this man, but I haven't heard such brazen racism in quite some time.
Stress has been a killer for me. Moving is tough, and we are moving on the fly to add to that. Luckily we found a good man that we are renting from and a really nice home for us to live in that is within our budget. I have been hospitalized twice due to cancer related complications. The first doctor straight up forgot about me, but thats okay. The second was a Nurse Practitioner and I really liked her. When it came time to fill my Rx, the first pharmacy we went to, I swear the pharmacy technician didn't listen to a word I said. I told him that I was a cancer patient and I had proof of this (yes I truly did) and he was still a straight up asshole. I told him that we were moving in a week and a half, for cancer treatment and he still acted like an asshole. I mean really? Is acting that way really beneficial for anyone? Also, why do they feel the need to be straight up mean to me when I try m very best to be as polite as possible. Sometimes it doesn't feel worth it.
Then my drama this morning when my own publishing company who REFUSED to e-mail me back for an entire month about my royalty payment. They had ample time to tell me that I was still in the red, but my contract (which I still have) is different from theirs. I had to go over their heads to even get them to RESPOND to me, and then the customer service individual straight up lied and said she sent me all of the information. Well, this girl (me) keeps receipts and I showed them proof that she had zero contact with me. So on top of all of that, they tell me I don't get any royalties because I owe them $4,000 from the advance - which my actual advance was only $2,000. So they will be taking money away from my royalties for the next 6 months, which is the next pay period for my book. I feel all most stolen from. That was really the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I did have a good cry and then I had to suck it up and remember I still have to fight cancer no matter what these people do to me. I guess I am just appalled at how easy it is for people to royally screw you.
I am doing the very best I can, but things are getting harder and harder for me to deal with. I love crafting as it keeps my hands busy and I don't think about the things that hurt me the most. I exercise 4 days a week - and even that has been its own struggle as I have lost strength in my back and arms. I get nose bleeds everyday, and I have pain all most everyday. Some days are asymptomatic, and those are the days I try to get the most done.
I am not going to lie to you - yes there are days that depression exists and the frustration becomes overwhelming. I won't lie about that. I know there are a few of you out there that will tell me to suck it up - but until you experience cancer and all of THIS it is easier said than done. I am doing the very best that I can given the situations I have been put in, but things are not easy, and I am truly ready to be back to North Carolina.
Writing in my blog helps me put things in perspective. one thing I can say is that many of you have supported me in so many ways and I am so thankful for you.
One thing I will tell you that I have learned from this entire experience. Be nice to each other. You have no idea what another individual is facing, and being rude and nasty to them could break them. A nice comment goes a LONG way, as I explained during my American Airlines flight. It wasn't the big things that made the difference - it was all the little things the staff did that made me happy and brought me joy and less stress in my life. Those are the things that really matter.
I just wanted to write a short blog post to keep you guys updated and share my feelings :o)
Much love to you all. I will be posting more items on ETSY today, so keep a look out!
You are loved, even if it may not always feel like it.